Maybe a Fake Gintama

Chapter 529: Your Own Funeral Should be Even Quieter!

The next day, in the morning.

After completing the discharge procedures and arranging caregivers for his two injured underlings, Katsuo, concerned about his boss, rushed out of the Kabukicho Hospital.

Standing at the gate of his headquarters, Katsuo wiped the sweat from his forehead before pushing open the gate and stepping inside.

However, just as he entered, Katsuo sensed something was amiss because... there was no one in the entire yard.

Sensing that something was wrong, Katsuo hurriedly ran towards the main house, but... after opening the door, he found, to his astonishment, that there was still no one around!

At this moment, Katsuo completely panicked. He discarded his toothpick and, with a serious expression, searched room after room.

Finally... fortune favors the persistent. In a side room, Katsuo found all his underlings, dressed in black formal kimonos, kneeling on the ground, heads bowed, sobbing.

In front of them was an urn placed on a stand, next to which was a portrait, but due to the reflection, Katsuo couldn't initially see the person in the photo.

Beside it, Kagura and Shinpachi, dressed as monks, pretended to chant sutras while continuously mumbling something. Since they were facing away, Katsuo didn't realize that the chanting monks were Shinpachi and Kagura.

Before he could finish his thought, Katsuo suddenly saw the photo clearly—it was a picture of himself with a toothpick!

"Big bro! We will never forget you!" a gang member shouted tearfully.

"Even in the other world, we won't forget you! We'll take care of Meru-chan and walk her in the park every day! Don't worry!" another gang member shouted, wiping his tears.

"Big bro! Have a good journey!" All the underlings stood up, bowed deeply to the portrait, and shouted together.

"What the hell are you talking about—I'm not going anywhere!" Katsuo roared in anger as he leaped forward, "Why am I dead?!"

"Big bro?!" One of the underlings exclaimed, "Did you come back from that world because you were lonely?!"

"Idiots! It's obviously because he was worried and came back to check on us!" another underling said, "Big bro, don't worry! The boss and miss have gone back to the countryside! And they've reconciled with Otose! You can rest in peace now! Go on!"

"Go on!" the other underlings echoed.

"Go on your head!" Katsuo, frustrated by his subordinates, exclaimed, "I'm not even dead! Wait, what did you just say? The boss and miss go back to the countryside? They even reconciled with that old bag, Otose? What about the war? How did the war turn out?"

"The war was about to start when that vixen Kada, because of personal vendettas, was taken out by this Yorozuya's little girl's uncle," one underlying explained, pointing at Kagura, sitting on the floor snoring.

"It was you two?!" Katsuo lost it.

"Long time no see, Katsuo-san," Shinpachi stood up and explained with a smile, "As a sign of reconciliation between the two sides, the Dobunezumi gang commissioned us with this task yesterday. But since Gintoki drank too much last night and is still in bed, it's just the two of us."

"You're telling me your job was to hold a funeral for me?!" Katsuo burst out, veins popping in anger, "Even if it's a commission, take it seriously! This girl is still snoring! She's snoring at a funeral, the most solemn occasion!"

"Well, if the person is here, please lie down in this coffin, and we'll complete the commission properly," Shinpachi said, pointing to the empty coffin in front of him.

"Go on, big bro! Don't hold any regrets!" the underlings tearfully echoed.

"I'm not dead yet!" Katsuo shouted, eyes wide, "How much do you guys want me dead?!"

"So noisy!" Kagura, awakened by the noise, stood up, scolded, and kicked Katsuo straight into the coffin, "Keep quiet at the funeral! Idiot!"

"Even though you're right, this is my funeral!" Katsuo, with his hands gripping the edge of the coffin, argued back furiously.

"Your funeral should be even quieter!" Kagura stepped onto the coffin, stomping down while scolding, "Can't you read the room?! Everyone else is grieving; what right do you have to act like that-aru?! If you have something to say, wait until the funeral is over, idiot!"

"Um, Kagura, if you keep stomping, he might actually die," Shinpachi pushed his glasses up, commenting dryly. Then, with a smile, he turned to Katsuo, who had his eyes rolled back. "Anyway, since it's a commission, we have to carry it through to the end, so please play dead a little longer until after the funeral before you speak."

"Uh... uh..." Katsuo, now unconscious, could only make muffled sounds.

"Then, let's continue the funeral. Please, family members, retake your seats," Shinpachi turned back to address the Dobunezumi gang members, "Let's continue with the script from before Katsuo-san arrived. Next, we should have the family lift the coffin; please come forward."

Hearing this, the underlings rushed forward, each eager to send their big bro off on his final journey.

...

When Katsuo woke up again, he found himself seemingly moving slowly along something, and he could hear sobbing sounds coming from behind him.

Katsuo, puzzled, sat up and saw his underlings behind him waving goodbye with tears. He was about to say something when he suddenly felt a blast of heat in front of him and immediately turned to face it.

Seeing the crematorium furnace in front of him, Katsuo jumped off the conveyor belt without hesitation and shouted, "Are you really trying to send me off?!"

"Um, the funeral isn't over yet, Katsuo-san," Shinpachi said with a troubled expression, "Now, please enter the cremation furnace, and after we collect your ashes and bury you, you can resurrect and speak."

"How do I resurrect?! After entering, I will be completely dead, right?!" Katsuo exclaimed, eyes wide and veins popping.

"Um, big bro..." an underling whispered to Katsuo, "This time, it was us who commissioned them, and if you don't cooperate until the end of the funeral, it will look like we're the ones picking a fight. With the boss not around, just us alone won't cut it. So, big bro just cooperates a little with them. Don't worry, there's a partition in the cremation furnace. You just go in there, and it'll be fine."

"So, who exactly commissioned them for this kind of job?!" Katsuo shouted, eyes wide.

Hearing this, all the Dobunezumi gang members turned their heads away, looking left and right but not at Katsuo.

"Everyone had a part in this?! You bastards!" Katsuo was at his wit's end.

"I'll beat you!" Kagura delivered a flying kick, directly kicking Katsuo into the cremation furnace, "Don't cause trouble-aru!"

"Have a good journey, big bro!" the Dobunezumi gang members bowed again and shouted.

"You bastards!!" Katsuo cursed loudly.

...

Later that night, after the mock funeral, Katsuo finally emerged from the partition in the cremation furnace.

Reportedly, several staff members on duty at the crematorium were frightened into fainting.

Walking alone on his way back, Katsuo looked up at the night sky that had fallen unknowingly and couldn't help but chuckle.

"This isn't too bad, boss. I'll take good care of the Dobunezumi gang..."

"Big bro!"

Suddenly, the voices of the Dobunezumi gang members came from ahead.

Seeing his subordinates waving at him in the distance, Katsuo first smiled, then his expression changed dramatically, and with eyes wide and veins popping, he kicked them.

"Don't think I'll let you off so easily, you bastards!"

"Welcome back, big bro!" xN

"Hahahaha..."

...

The next day, as Katsuo proudly led his subordinates down the street, he once again encountered the seemingly trouble-seeking duo from Yorozuya—Kagura and Shinpachi.

"Um, excuse me," Shinpachi said, comparing the image in his hand to Katsuo. He pushed his glasses up and said, "We received a commission from the crematorium about a ghost running out of the cremation furnace. Could you cooperate a little?"

"Hey, hurry up and go back, you bastard," Kagura posed like a full-blown delinquent.

Seeing this, Katsuo couldn't restrain himself and was about to explode, but before he could say a word, an underling whispered in his ear, "Um, big bro, it's not good to not cooperate at this time; it'll look like we're the ones picking a fight. It really could turn into a war..."

Hearing this, several underlings tacitly stepped back a few steps, distancing themselves from Katsuo.

"You bastards did this on purpose, didn't you?!" Katsuo spat furiously.

"Shinpachi, this bastard is intentionally picking a fight, right?" Kagura pointed at Katsuo and asked Shinpachi, "Is he trying to settle scores with our Otose faction-aru?"

"Katsuo-san, may I take that as your intention?" Shinpachi pushed up his glasses again, glancing faintly at Katsuo.

"It's clearly you who started this mess?!" Katsuo retorted without hesitation.

"We're just completing our commission," Shinpachi replied righteously.

"Damn it! I can't stand you guys anymore! If it's war you want, it's war!" Katsuo shouted, veins popping, "Come on! Today, we must settle this with your Otose faction!"

"Little Uncle, this person is picking a fight and wants to start a war-aru," Kagura called out to Kawaki, who was just passing by.