Only Villains Do That

2.12 In Which the Dark Lord Uses Someone's Tragic Backstory as a Sleep Aid

Of course, it wasnt as simple as jumping right to carving me up like a chunk of roasted beef, which was both good and bad, because while I enjoyed not being carved up, stretching out the anticipation wasnt great, either.

Seven of the noblewomen-turned-bandit gang had come to retrieve me from the river, not including Twigs and Goose, but as we settled in to the ruined village more trickled in from scouting and guard duty. Others left to relieve them, and they didnt all introduce themselves (I was going to need more than one round of introductions to remember all these names anyway), so I didnt get a final headcount yet but I got the impression there were around twice that many overall. Hadnt Maugro given me a number originally? If so, I couldnt recall it.

What was more important for the moment was that they proved quite welcoming. Extremely curious about me, and some morbidly fascinated with my current status as a human repository of broken-off quarrels, but welcoming nonetheless. Clearly Twigs had done a good job of talking me up while shed been gone.

Apparently the nearby spring was small enough that getting any quantity of water out of it took time; enough was drawn for me to generally rinse off and Nazralind to have a more thorough wash while I did that. As Goose pointed out, I was about to get covered in blood again, so it made sense to put off properly washing and just get myself clean enough that I wouldnt get river sludge in all the incisions we were about to make. It would take a while to gather enough water for that anyway, so it worked out.

Which was my punishment for thinking the anticipation couldnt get worse.

The ladies had already mostly set up camp but busied themselves getting things arranged for the nights activities while Nazralind and I washed off to our differing degrees. It turned out the people were going to sleep in the open, because we could all be warned not to screw around among the poisonous khora, but gwynneks had to be housed inside the old buildings to make sure they had no accidents. And given the amount of space the creatures required, that filled the villages surviving structures to capacity; even the bathing spots had to settle for being behind broken walls in terms of privacy. Food was prepared, though on Gooses orders I didnt partake as I was shortly going to have a knife applied to my organs.

That made sense and I offered no complaint, being too busy stewing in the stress.

I was, at least, offered a change of clothes, though obviously putting it on would wait until after I was done being sliced into and then washed off properly.

Fortunately weve all grown accustomed to mens clothing, said Lady Ismreth, whose name had stuck in my mind during the round of introductions because it was by far the least pronounceable of them. So much more practical for an outdoor lifestyle. If Im any judge, these should fit you adequately, Lord Seiji. Though, with apologies, they may not be as stylish as what youre accustomed to.

Theyre certainly more stylish than what I had on when we met, I said as cheerfully as I could manage, gesturing to the pile of blood-and-filth-soaked rags at the edge of camp which had been my outfit. I was currently sitting near the fire, draped in a couple of old blankets; given my only partially washed state, they had obviously given me the ragged ones theyd be willing to throw out. Whichwas fair enough. At least Id gone to Gwyllthean in the first place wearing a cheaper than usual outfit, in a futile gambit to avoid Lady Grays notice, so I hadnt lost my nice red-and-black ensemble that Id grown fond of. Thank you kindly, my lady.

Tis our pleasure, my lord, she said with a smile. Well have no Ladnevin Foresters in our company. The accommodations may not be lavish, but a guest is a guest!

Plain speech, Izzy, said a young lady whose name escaped me, a brown-haired girl who looked scarcely older than Yoshi. Remember, youre talking to Conzart in the bookshop.

Hey, hey, I recognize that one! I protested. Conzarts the one whos always doing something stupid!

Several of them laughed and the girl whod spoken flushed bright pink.

Lhaenit was helpfully reminding us to be polite and not overuse literary references with someone not native to our culture, said Nazralind, emerging from behind a building in fresh clothes and with wet hair. She gave Lhaenit a very flat stare as she stepped into the firelight. It was a kind thought, which Conzart over there chose to express in the rudest, most ironic way possible.

Lhaenit, now beet-red, made a complicated hand gesture at me (nobles seemed to have a bunch of intricate ones rather than the simple folding down hands I was used to) before fleeing into one of the houses where the gwynneks were stabled.

Okay. Gooses low, even tone cut through the rising mirth; we all knew what it heralded. She rose from her seat on the other side of the fire, where shed been carefully running a whetstone over her belt knife, which shed already thoroughly washed and oiled. Clean and sharpened to a razor edge, it was now as close to a surgical tool as we were going to get out here in the wilderness. Goose being a surprisingly thoughtful sort for looking like such a big lug, shed positioned herself where I didnt have to see the preparations and could barely hear them over the soft hissing hum of the asauthec fire. Now she stepped to my side, knife gleaming in the firelight. Looks like were ready. Lets not put this off, Lord Seiji.

Yeah, the sooner this is done, the better, I agreed, shrugging out of the blanket draped over my shoulders, which left me just in the one covering my pelvis for modesty. I had kept my Amulet of Final Luck on, since it wasnt really in the way and if Goose slipped it might end up having work to do.

One of the noble bandits let out a wolf whistle, prompting several laughs and one exasperated Really, Sadhith?

Im sure youre just trying to make me feel better, but I appreciate the thought, I said, putting on a grin that I suspected looked more forced than my usual forced grins. Im normally a top notch performer, if I say so myself, but the tension of this situation was getting to me.

Goose gestured for me to lie back on the ground and knelt at my side. Okay, Im gonna start with the two in your chest up here. I can tell youre having trouble breathing, Lord Seiji, which means theyre in your lungs. Once we get these done youll be able to breathe properly, whichll help you a lot, and also I expect thesell be the worst to get out, so I wanna have em out of the way as quick as possible.

Sounds good, I agree.

After that Ill get these four here in your gut. Once thats done and you can get something down without fucking up your insides, well take a break to get some food and ale into you to give you energy and soften up the rest of this. Not too much ale, youre gonna have to stay lucid enough to Heal after were done with each cut. After that, cutting the rest outta your arms and leg wont be nearly as bad. Then you can get washed up properly and finish off the bottle if you want to, which I probably would if I was you.

Damn, Goose, and here I was thinking medical aid was my department. You sure you were never a doctor?

She shook her head, smiling grimly. Just common sense and an interesting life, Lord Seiji. Ive had to cut into a few people I wasnt trying to kill. Just takes a steady hand, which Ive got. Okay, I know its asking a lot, but try to breathe slow and shallow.

Ill do my best. I watched the firelight gleam on the blade as it descended toward my chest, alarmingly close to my heart, and that was the point where I chickened out of watching. Im not proud, but dammit, I refuse to be ashamed either. I looked away, barely suppressing a hiss when she began slicing the skin around the quarrel. Goose worked quickly, but that skin was attached to the akorshil bolt thanks to the effects of Heal, which meant it was a lot of detailed little cuts to avoid having to gouge a giant hole in me. Twigs joined her with a pile of rags and hot water, immediately working to sop up the blood that welled up.

And as always when I was stressed, I found myself flapping my yap without actually having decided to.

So, how do you and Nazralind know each other?

Nobody upbraided me for the foolishness of making chitchat during surgery; I think they understood. It was a poor substitute for anesthesia, but it was what we had.

We were raised together, Twigs said. Her voice was full of forced cheer, and I appreciated the thought even if she wasnt very convincing. I was one of Nazs maedhlou.

No idea what that is.

Ah, its likely you wouldnt! Nazralind herself sat at my other side, joining in without hesitation. Not afraid of the sight of blood, this one. Thats a custom among Fflyr highborn which has some antecedents in Lancor culture, but to my knowledge is unique to Dlemathlys. You see, Lord Seiji, when a Highlady reaches the age of six, she is assigned two maedhlou from families of lower nobility. They move into her home and for all intents and purposes, all three are raised as sisters. Well, she added with an apologetic grimace for Twigs, sisters who are never allowed to forget their difference in rank. Maedhlou are not exactly servants, but their role is to support and assist their highlady. And, ultimately, when she is married, her husband gains the two maedhlou as concubines in addition to a wife.

I was trying not to breathe too heavily, and couldnt really make faces as I was already grimacing. Goose was trying to work quickly, but trying harder to work carefully, which meant I had to feel her digging in little cuts around that shaft as she went down into muscle. A steady hand, yes; a surgeon, no.

That sounds like something an isekai writer would come up with.

Nazralind blinked. Forgive me, I dont understand the reference.

Perhaps it is good for your Ladyship to know what that feels like.

She grinned in, as far as I could tell, genuine good humor, black eyes sparkling in the firelight. A fair hit, sir. Reference aside, I do catch your hint of derision, and rest assured I agree. Hard.

Well, its not without its benefits, said Twigs, still dabbing blood.

Nazralind stared at her. Elemyn, of all people to defend this practice

Oh, dont mistake me, no ones saying the tradition wasnt set up so delicate men whove never picked up anything deadlier than a dinner fork could carry on like conquering warlords. But it does help the country. Maedhlou and the Convocations prohibition on family fighting each other are all that keeps the peace in this country. The Clans are all full of each others members, raising each others children. So they scheme and screw each other over at every opportunity but its never come to outright civil war. Not even once. Something set up for vile, selfish reasons can still yield positive benefits. In this case, the only reason Dlemathlys is stable at all.

I really wanted to interject that Dlemathlys was about as stable as a house of cards during an earthquake, but I was feeling the undeniable sensation of a knife cutting into my lung, and Nazralind was frowning at Twigs with rising signs of open anger; I decided we all needed a distraction.

What abouthhthe lower highbornowmen? Howre therennghenough wives

From this point I need you to stop talking, Lord Seiji, said Goose, her voice apologetic but firm.

Thats asking an awful lot, my trusty familiar commented from where he was hovering above us. Look who youre talking to!

Come on, Biribo, Twigs objected, frowning up at him.

All part of the system, Nazralind answered me. She had also picked up a rag and gently swabbed sweat from my forehead. Lower highborn men very occasionally get the opportunity to marry up, if their Clans schemes can arrange it, but usually they wed women from foreign nobility, or wealthy middleborn families. It brings in fresh blood and money, and gives the lower-status Clans the opportunity to breed themselves up or down, depending on how good they are at arranging marriages. So we highborn arent as badly inbred as you might expect, she said with a wry grin. Certainly not as bad as the nobles of some countries. We dont have much to boast of here in Dlemathlys, but weve got that! High literacy and less inbreeding than youd think. They should embroider that on the flag.

I had my doubts about how this system could result in anything but inbreeding, but I couldnt focus my mind on the particulars. I could feel my flesh being cut into; I couldnt breathe, my own blood was pouring into my lung, I was drowning in my own

Got it! Goose held up the broken quarrel, its head still intact and crimson, with an alarmingly large chunk of flesh attached.

Heal!

Pink light blazed and I started to gasp for breath before the pain from the other side of my chest stopped me. Still, I could definitely breathe more easily now, at least on one side. Tentatively, I expanded my chest, trying to feel the motion. As far as I could tell, there was no fluid there Did Heal fix that, somehow, or was I just wrong? It wasnt like I had a stethoscope.

The sound of Goose throwing aside the crossbow bolt covered in eau de Seiji was muffled by the sound of one of the nearby women being violently sick.

Hells revels, you honking geese! Nazralind exclaimed in exasperation. If you dont have the stomach to watch a surgery, go somewhere else! Or do you really think what this situation needs is more bodily fluids being spilled?

I was too focused on breathing to comment, but in fairness, it probably didnt make much difference. Nobody looming over me was wearing a mask and I had my suspicions about how thoroughly theyd washed their hands. If not for Heal this medieval approximation of surgery would probably kill me as sure as getting shot a bunch of times was meant to.

Im sorry about that, Lord Seiji, Goose said, grimacing as she wiped off her knife. I think I fucked up a little, there. I was trying to be careful, but down in the I mean, I couldnt really see what to cut in there with all the blood and it ended up being a mess anyway. Your spell worked great, though! She carefully wiped blood away from the incision site, shaking her head in amazement. Not even a scar.

Yeah, Heal has some arbitrary limitations but Im not a hundred percent sure of the rules, I wheezed. It doesnt restore missing limbs or things like eyes, but It seems tove filled in that hole just fine. On the next one, maybe focus on being faster? I mean, please dont just hack me apart, but

I get your meaning, Lord Seiji, dont worry, she assured me. I think youre right. Taking too much time just caused more harm than good. Ill try to find a balance more toward speed without getting sloppy. Okay, here we go.

So, I said desperately, clamping down on a spike of animal terror as the flashing blade descended toward my chest. If youre supposed to have two of these maid people, wheres?

Goose started cutting, and I bit down on my lips, resolving to simplify this by ceasing my talking earlier this time.

Thats at the core of why were all here, really, said Nazralind. Again, she stepped in to fill the quiet and distract my attention, though I could tell this subject had gotten harder for her. Twigss expression had suddenly gone distant, too. Well, I had my marriage arranged, and You see, its customary for a prospective groom to spend time alone with his fiancee and her maedhlou, but of course no sexual contact until after the wedding. Well, Highlord Rhanider didnt care for that rule. Obviously he wanted his bride to be chaste for the wedding night, but why not sample the rest of the goods early? Her expression was twisted in a complex blend of dark emotions. Minyrit refused, of course. I dont think anyone had ever refused that boy anything in his life; he went completely insane. He got his hands around her neck, and he just didnt stop

Silence fell. I could hear the wet sound of Goose slicing my flesh, feeling the hot, bright pain of it. The distraction of her voice was sorely missed in that gap, but I couldnt fault Nazralind for having to stop there. Christ, this couldnt be much easier on her than it was on me.

Our sister, Twigs whispered, the person closest to us in all the world He killed her right in front of us. Right in front of us. Andand we just stood there. We were ladies. We justwent blank. Shut down. I couldntI couldnt

It was a scandal, Nazralind said in the cold, tired tone of someone who was far away in her mind. Becauseit would be embarrassing to Clan Aelthwyn if the details were known. So my uncle fixed the official story, that there was an accident. The wedding was to proceed as planned, and Highlord Rhanider received an extra dowry payment, since he was only getting one concubine out of the deal. They paid him for it.

That moment of realization is a hell of a thing, Twigs said when Nazralind trailed off. When you realize This man is going to kill me. And all the people who are supposed to love me will just let it happen. He wont even be punished. Highborn ladies are meant to be decorative and passive; were trained from the cradle to accept things and notnot make a fuss Its funny how different things suddenly become when it is literally life or death. Funny what suddenly isnt unthinkable anymore.

Nazralind grimaced, staring at me but, I think, seeing something else entirely. Our escape did not go well. We only got as far as we did because Goose helped. She was our bodyguard; young highladies often get female veterans from the Kings Guild to help look after them. A lot wouldve just turned us in to our Clans, but Goose understood. Even with her help, though, getting away was Well, obviously, they didnt want us to go. There was a lot of money and prestige riding on us, you see.

We got separated, Twigs whispered. I thought you died. Ive hated myself for leaving you

It was the right call, and Im glad you did, Nazralind told her fiercely. We both lived. You lived because the two of you ran, and stood by each other. Ifound my own help, as I told you. If you hadnt, we never could have met each other again. And Ive built up all this, because She raised her head, eyes glistening with moisture, to look at the other ladies standing silently nearby. I swore to myself it would never be like that again. The world may be full of nightmares, but I will never again be frozen, or indecisive. I will never again stand there and watch.

My fingers scrabbled across the dirt and found her hand. The elf immediately grabbed it and held on, squeezing almost hard enough to hurt, just as I did her. The gesture wasnt really characteristic of me, and I suspected not of her either, but in that moment it felt right. She was reliving a trauma while I went through a fresh one.

Sometimes, you just need to hold onto someone.

Its out! Goose said, drawing in a breath shed apparently been holding off in concentration. I felt a lightness in the agonizing spot in my chest where pressure was suddenly withdrawn.

Heal!

I inhaled deeply, fully. Sweet, blessed air filled my lungs. It wasnt completely normal; the expansion of my chest caused little spikes of pain from the bolts still embedded in my diaphragm muscle below. But I could breathe again. I could breathe.

Youre doing great, Lord Seiji, said Goose, resting one big, callused hand over my forehead. Need to take a break? This is some real shit, I know.

Are you kidding? I croaked, grinning feebly. I could do this shit all night. Try to keep up.

Nazralind squeezed my hand once more before letting go. Every woman here has a story like that, Lord Seiji. Hell, I suspect every living person in Fflyr Dlemathlys does. This country is rotten to its broken core; there have to be far more people here ready to fight back than otherwise. They just need someone to show them how, convince them its possiblesomeone who has the power to back up their promises. I was raised attending temple services just like anyone, hearing the Goddesss dogma, but Screw her, its not as if shes ever done anything for us. I dont care which Goddess you follow. If you can break this horrible system and build something just a little bit better, Im with you. We all are.

Breaking things is a lot easier than building them, I said, still breathing heavily. I have absolutely no idea how to put a nation together, Nazralind. We still need to find the right kind of help for that.

We cantell you a little about it, she said with a wince. Growing up close to power, you pick up a few tidbits from sheer exposure. Butyeah, youre right. I was arrogant enough to let myself think I could be the one to save this country, but I was right in the process of learning how wrong I was when Elemyn and Goose found us. Oh, by the way, I forgotthank you kindly for paying our protection money to that horrible goblin. Considering the trouble that was looking for us, you very likely saved all our lives.

Maugros not so bad, I said, awkwardly patting her hand. But youre welcome. Okay, Goose. Lets get on with tonights business before we move on to saving and/or destroying the world.

I mustve been tougher than I thought; it was a while after that before my Wisdom perk kicked in and I found myself elevated above the pain and trauma of the ongoing cutting, floating on a frozen cloud of logic and observing my suffering from a distance, as if it were someone elses problem. What did it in the end was the smell, the sudden acrid stink of human shit as Goose accidentally opened my intestines while digging out a quarrel.

Nazralind was alarmed when I went stiff and expressionless, but Biribo hastened to explain. I was focusing fully on lying as still and breathing as shallowly as possible, because that was the rational thing to do in that situation and I no longer had anything else in my brain. It certainly made the rest of the procedure a lot more bearable. The Blessing of Wisdom: better anesthesia than tragic backstory.

The effect lingered; I declined food and ale when Goose finished with my abdomen, simply asking her to move right to getting the rest of them out of me. In that emotionless void, I couldnt even feel properly celebratory when I was fully quarrel-free, Healed and whole again. It was in the same icy fugue state that I mechanically downed some refreshments, went behind a ruined house to properly wash myself with the aid of an Orb of Light and some surprisingly fragrant soap the noblewomen had, and rejoined the group by the fire, just in time for it to wear off.

Which was loads of fun, because I was still having an adrenaline crash at that point. The result was that I didnt have much clarity as to the rest of what happened that night, but I sure as hell took Goose up on her offered bottle then, downing it almost fast enough to choke.

Someone gently guided me to a blanket on the ground and I curled up under it. Like a pillbug Like an Immolate victim. Head spinning with alcohol and trying not to sob out loud. It was over, there was no need for this. So I told myself, but my body seemed to want to torture itself further and wasnt cooperating with me. I just wanted to sleep

Most of them had the courtesy to leave me alone at that point, though I could hear soft voices in my vicinity as my wobbling consciousness finally began to flicker out from fatigue and drink.

Even after your warning, hesnot what I expected.

But in a good way?

Yeah, I think so, mostly.

Dead drunk, I couldnt assign a face to either voice, but the deeper one which chimed in had to be Goose. Theres a good kid in there, under all the layers of flamboyance and grumpiness. Hes a lot like you ladies. Wasnt a noble or anything in his own world, but it sounds like it was a much easier place. You know what its like to be wrenched out of comfort and suddenly have to fight for your life.

Yeah. Yes, we do. I couldnt speak for what the goddesses are up to, but I wonder if Virya hasnt sent us exactly what

Finally, I disappeared into the darkness of sleep. It was a relief, at first, before the nightmares began.

I had some new ones now.