Only Villains Do That

4.37 In Which the Dark Lord Has Issues With the Women in His Life

It was a start.

There were more arrangements to be made, of course, but having gotten the necessary balls rolling, and since I now had the unbelievable luxury of competent subordinates to whom I could delegate details, I indulged in some time to actually recover from my deep forest adventure. A full bath would wait, but I did manage to get thoroughly clean before dinner, which I then spent with the kids, surrounded by the cheerful noise of the mess hall. Junko wasnt ordinarily encouraged to be present at mealtimes, but she was frantically excited to see me again and content to sit silently on the floor beside me, as she had all through the staff meeting.

ManI really, really needed all of that. I hadnt realized how much.

But it wasnt like I was on vacation, and there were a lot more details to iron out before our unfortunately rough outline of a strategy could be put into action, so after dinner, just late enough that things were beginning to quiet down for the night, I was back in another meeting. This one more discreet and held in a secure room set aside for the purpose down in Kzidnak.

Thanks for telling me, Gizmit said, nodding. Do you have a rough timeline for this?

ASAP, but exactly how quick that is will depend on the engineers. Im meeting Sneppit and the others next to give the official order; just wanted to keep you in the loop because your job requires knowing as much as possible about everything going on. Speaking of which, you requested this private chat so I know it wasnt for the sake of my news. Whats up, Giz?

Not an urgency, but something that I think will be relevant as you implement plans over the coming days, she said. I wanted to check in and offer a word of advice. So, I heard about Velavens apparently amazing performance after you called her down and then launched her little training program. Based on description alone I am deeply sorry to have missed that.

I sighed, Zui, you gossipy bitch.

It was Nazralind, Gizmit corrected with one of those composed little smiles that on her were as much as a belly laugh from anyone else. Zuis several annoying personality traits do not include a lack of discretion. But back to the point, its what that little episode signifies that I wanted to bring to your attention.

Im all ears, if you have any insight, I said frankly. Because I was completely baffled by that.

Do you remember your conversation with the Hero party during the uprising, about sarcasm and how inscrutably different it can appear from a different cultural framework?

Sure, Iwait a second, you werent there for that.

But it was revelatory and important, so youd better believe I learned about it, Gizmit answered with a particularly bland expression. Youre paying for the best, Lord Seiji, so that is what you get. I have two potential theories about Velavens bizarre display, considering the context. One is that you pissed her off, and so she insulted you right to your face in a way that only a Savin or maybe Shylver would understand.

Okay, I nodded, I could see that.

The other is that it was a legitimate attempt at flirting. And with regard to that, I again have two theories: in the first, that as a clearly trained spy she has observed theissue you have with open displays of sexuality, and so carefully signaled her interest in as brazen a way as possible without risking a trigger event.

I clenched my lips, but nodded in silence. Obviously I didnt love having this be a subject of conversation, but it wouldve been frankly absurd to imagine Gizmit of all people wasnt fully aware of the issue. It was continuing to get better, anyway.

Alternatively, she is genuinely interested and is just that bad at expressing it.

Thatseems like a stretch, I said skeptically. Were talking about someone with a royal upbringing, and training in espionage.

Training in some aspects of espionage, specifically field scouting. Her counter-insurrection against Jadrak was promising, but remember the role luck played in it succeeding instead of dooming us all. And the error she made in trying to manipulate the cat tribe amounted to assuming they werent clever enough to notice a single, major inconsistency. She has blind spots. More to the point, she was the absolute monarch of a strictly matriarchal culture, and was aloof enough to allow a coup to brew right under her nose. I highly doubt Velaven has ever needed to flirt with a man before. If Shylver culture is anything like the opposite-pole sexism of Fflyr society, wellhighborn men generally arrange their marriages using money and influence.

Hm. All right, point taken. What is it youre suggesting, then?

Fortunately, in all of the above cases the solution is the same, and even more fortunately you have a golden opportunity immediately upcoming. What I think you should do is take the time to befriend Velaven. And since youve decided on including her in the expedition to the zombie village day after tomorrow There you go. Itll be a lot faster by tram than hiking overland, but a campaign like that will still offer enough downtime for a few good conversations.

Gizmit, that seemsiffy. I dont know if youve noticed, but Velaven is not an easy person to like, and thats with her deliberately being on her best behavior. Im a lot more inclined to trust mutual professionalism than any kind of hypothetical intimacy.

Youre popular in Kzidnak, she countered, and sure, some of that is due to your natural personality. But from the moment you set foot down here, you were wise enough to pay close attention to us; you did your best to learn about goblin culture, and you applied what you discovered to your decisions. Adjusted your leadership style to something that would get the best results from us as a people. Well, youre planning to take over Shylverraelpresumably without massacring and/or oppressing its population, right? Velaven is your only conduit to that culture. And its a culture thats been fiercely isolated for a century and a half, one thats grown into something peculiar enough that none of us understand half the shit she does. This is important, Lord Seiji. You need to leverage this asset.

I see your point, I agreed slowly, frowning in thought.

And as for intimacy Im not saying go overboard with that, but dont underestimate it either. You and I arent exactly bosom buddies and sure, we could play our parts based on professional standards alone if need be. But you like me and I like you, and it would be absurd to claim that doesnt make some difference.

MaybeI am being a little unfair toward Velaven, I admitted. Its hard to get past her initial introduction. She tried to manipulate us out of sheer self-interest, and people died for it. Including people who were important to me.

I know what she did, Gizmit said softly. But I think you have a good handle on when it is and isnt worthwhile to hold a grudge. Velaven is out of her depth and doing her best in a world she barely understands, after having everything taken from her. Seems you two have some common ground to start from.

Huh. I guessthats not wrong.

Anyway, thats what I got, she said more briskly. Youre the boss; its up to you what you do about any of this. But as your head of intel, I cant claim to be doing my job properly if I dont offer my input.

Thanks, Gizmit. Even if I dont end up following your suggestions, I always appreciate them. All right, cmon, Junko, lets move out.

My spymaster glanced casually at the dog as she rose to her feet, tail wagging. Gizmit had never shown open fear in front of me and didnt now, but there was just something about Junko being in the room that made it obvious when she was covering. Im sure it did not reflect well on me that I found it amusing, but dammit, Im only human.

Goblins really did not like dogs.

Thats my good girl, Zui cooed, aggressively scratching behind Junkos ears with both hands, which she had to reach up slightly to do. Whos a good girl? You have disgusting stinky breath, yes you do.

Oooh, look at Zui, shes not afraid of the dog, Sneppit sneered from the other side of the room, safely behind a desk. Quit showing off, you wench.

If showing off teaches the gigantic murderbeast who her friends are, then that is what I will be doing, Zui stated, turning her head aside to avoid Junkos ecstatic panting. You never did appreciate the importance of building relationships, Snep. Dont think I havent noticed it takes Minifrit and Ydleth both to keep you out of trouble as well as I did on my own.

Thats at least partly because Ydleth causes more problems than she solves, Kasser remarked. Anyway, Lord Seiji, Im pretty sure this wasnt what you called this meeting for. Do we need privacy?

Actually Well, privacy, yes, but only in terms of random passersby. Zui, Im not entirely sure why youre here but Ive sorta made peace with you inserting yourself into stuff, and in this case I think its just as well for you to be in the loop. Shut the door, please. With yourself on whichever side of it you choose.

Well, well, he is trainable, my insubordinate Goblin Queen said, smirking up at me as she sauntered over to push the door closed. With herself still in the room, of course. For the record, I was willing to leave once you arrived and got started, but until confidential matters are being discussed Im allowed to talk to people.

There were now five of us in the room, six counting Junko. Zeckl was cowering behind the desk with Sneppit, slightly more intimidated by the dog than she was by all the high-ranking company. In hindsight, bringing Junko along to a meeting that was planned to include two goblins may not have been the most considerate move, but shed been clingy with me ever since I got back, and dammit, I had missed her, too.

Junko, heel. Lie down.

The three goblins relaxed slightly once the dog was peacefully on the ground at my feet, though all three kept sneaking careful glances at her.

So, this shouldnt take long, I said seriously. Sneppit, Kasser, Zeckl, I have mentioned this to you all previously, but only in passing as a hypothetical. After recent events, Ive decided to make this official, and you three need to be the first informed as youll have to get the work started. I am formally greenlighting Project Death Star. Item one on the agenda is getting that started. Kasser, youll have to decide on the proper locations to build the emplacements and prepare them for installation. Zeckl, obviously, designing and constructing the actual munitions will fall on you and your team. Sneppit, I need you to make sure they have access to whatever they need. Item two is figuring outlets call it public messaging. I want this discreet, and above all I do not want to start a panic among the troops. However, this is not something that can be kept secret, or should even if that were possible. People will have to be aware of the damn thing, and know what to do in preparation if we should need to use it. Thats why I didnt bring it up at the staff meeting, I want to roll this out carefully, and in a manner that doesnt overly alarm anyone if possible.

There was silence in the aftermath of my pronouncement, three of my audience looking solemn and unhappy, the fourth confused and unhappy.

Uh, scuze me. Zui raised a hand. What the hell is Project Death Star, and whys it got the most pompously edgy name anything has ever had?

A weapon of last resort, I explained. Something made possible only by goblin expertise, and the full resources of Kzidnak.

Youd better not be cooking up another Inferno, she warned.

Nothing remotely on that scale, Zui. If I wanted another Inferno, I could do that without anyones help, just like the last one. More importantly, I do not want the kind of attention that would draw. On the contrary, the Death Star is a trump card to be played only if we get that kind of direct attention and need to blind all the eyes looking at us.

Yeah, I guess a shitload of pure destruction is one way to erase a trail, Sneppit muttered.

The destruction alone isnt worth anything, I said, otherwise Id just say build me the biggest fucking bomb you can and then roll it down the road at Gwyllthean. Im talking about a recourse that wont be good for anything unless a specific set of circumstances unfolds, but if that set of circumstances does befall us, I want it ready to fire. In that worst case scenario, the ability to wipe out our opposition and cover our escape will be the single most important deciding factor in preserving our long-term prospects.

Zui did not look any less curious, but for the moment she just watched everyone elses faces rather than peppering me with more questions. Gizmit was right; after years as an executive assistant, she really was admirably discreet.

Right, sothese extremely specific circumstances you refer to, said Kasser. They seem to pretty much involve us being so screwed that setting off what amounts to a smaller, more controlled Inferno is the least terrible option. Exactly how immediately are you expecting that to come up?

I wouldnt say I am specifically expecting it, I answered. This is very much a better to have it and not need it scenario. It may never be necessary in the form I first described to you. Best case scenario, well have what amounts to a large stockpile of carefully rigged explosives that can be dismantled and deployed elsewhere. Its more that Im trying to think ahead, to plan for as many possible outcomes as I can imagine. The one thing Im sure about, when it comes to this bullshit with Caludon, is that one way or another its going to spiral out of control. I just want us covered in the event the worst happens.

What kinda timeline are we talkin, here? Zeckl asked quietly.

Instead of answering, I turned to my Chancellor. Sneppit, I saw that Rads and his team finished their project ahead of schedule. Hows their next one coming along?

A bigger tunnel from Kzidnak to North Watch was one thing, she said. What you asked for next Look, Radss crew are efficient beyond all measure, to the point Ive both approved provisional pay raises for all of em and set an auditor to make sure nobody in that outfit is bein overworked. You do not want excavators dropping details or making mistakes. Even so, at their very best, the hole youve got em digging is a major undertaking. I dont expect to see that finished until at least after the tram network is fully reconstructed. Weeks, minimum.

All right, thats fair. I want the budget opened up fully for that project. Have it done as fast as it can be done, and make sure they get anything and everything they need to make it happen.

Lord Seiji, you gotta moderate your expectations. There are some projects that can only be aided so much by throwin money and warm bodies at em. Past a certain point, extra is just getting in the way.

I understand. I want you to find that point and ride it, Snep; youre the best administrator on at least this island and probably the several nearest. If anybody can toe that line perfectly, its you.

Just so ya know, flattery doesnt motivate me, she said with a smirk, but I appreciate it anyway. If those are your orders, Ill make it happen.

Soyou want your Death Star rigged up by the time Rads is done with that tunnel? Zeckl asked. Becausehonestly, Lord Seiji, I dont see it takin that long.

Good. Have it done as quick as you can without cutting corners. I brought up the tunnel because until that is done, were not going to need the Death Star; it wont do us much good to set it off before that point. But making sure things up top dont deteriorate that far, that fast will be up to me, so if the timing doesnt line up, thats not your fault.

She nodded. Okey dokey, then. Ill get started planning. Ill need final figures that wont come until Kassers got those installations designed and tallied up, but I can start putting together the munitions.

Id like to come down to your workshop and see what youre working with first, Kasser said. Get a feel for the kinds of devices you can rig up; thatll help me determine the best ways to install them and pick locations.

I want a look at that, too, for similar reasons, Sneppit agreed. Unless there was anything else, Lord Seiji?

I shook my head. Thats it. Thanks, everybody. And remember: no need to be secretive, but be discreet.

Next time we talk about this, I really hope hell explain what the hell that even means, Kasser muttered as he followed Sneppit out. Zeckl trundled along at his heels, her eyes already far away and lost in planning.

In their absence, Zui stared pensively up at me. I regarded her back for a moment, then sighed and headed for the door myself.

Well, Id better turn in. Its gonna be another long one tomorrow.

Good idea, she said, following me.

Whatreoh, yeah. I keep forgetting you took a room in the fortress.

And Im not going all the way around to use the fancy new outdoor tunnel, she added archly, when the old one is right there and its late enough even Gannits probably turned in.

Fair enough, I wasnt either.

Rads and his phenomenally effective team had bored us a much more suitable underground access while Id been away, which was wide and tall enough to move cargo and large groups efficiently, and also connected one corner of the North Watch courtyard to a broad tunnel intersection in Kzidnak, rather than linking a cramped kitchen to a cramped underground office. We were still using Maugros old place for the kind of discreet meeting Id just held, and so Zui and I didnt have far to go to reach the old kitchen tunnel.

Its North Watch, she said suddenly, pausing just inside to look back up at me, her reddish violet eyes glinting in the dimness. With the gift of goblin dark vision Id borrowed from her, I could of course see the shape of her fully in the unlit tunnel, but blocked by my own shadow that faint gleam of light reflected in her eyes was the only color visible to me. Im just working off context, here, but you are talking about destroying North Watch in the event it comes under direct attack. Evac everybody underground and turn the entire fortress into a weapon.

I nodded. Good guess.

Guess, my ass, she snorted. It was unsubtle enough I seriously gotta wonder why you felt the need to be all cryptic. And honestly, Death Star? Really, man?

Hey, it wasnt my idea to call this whole rigamarole the Dark Crusade, but I can at least iterate on a theme.

Yeah, yeah. Zui turned and resumed walking; I had to hunch slightly to follow her. It was annoying, but with the new tunnel in place it hadnt seemed worthwhile to expand this one. Hm. Im not exactly well-read on military history, but I bet thatll be a new one. Doubt any besieging army has ever suddenly found the thing they encircled turned out to be a giant fucking bomb.

Killing the enemy is only part of it, like I said. Our profile is too high; eventually, were going to be found. Vanishing into the shadows will involve leaving behind a big enough mess that people will believe we bit the dust ourselves in the process.

Nobodys gonna like this, she said quietly. I can see all the care and effort thats gone into North Watch in the last few months. Youve really turned this old ruin into a home.

We have, I agreed. I dont like it either, Zui, not one bit. But We can build a new home. Its the people who have to be preserved. Nobodys replaceable, and were already inevitably going to lose a lot more. I have toto dowhat I can.

She pushed open the door into the fortresss kitchen and paused just inside, turning to regard me thoughtfully. It was dim, and quiet, everything washed and put away. I hadnt realized it was this late. Gannit, Donon and Madyn were nowhere in evidence. The only person present was Minifrit, seated at the prep table with her pipe and a glass of wine, watching us without apparent surprise.

I cant say whats gonna happen, Seiji, Zui said suddenly. She stepped closer and reached out to press one hand against my thigh for just a moment, which I took to be the equivalent of a touch on the shoulder butwhere she could reach. Youre right, things are gonna get bad. But seriously, it makes all the difference that you care this much. Ridiculous asshole that you are, everybody here knows you care. Well all get through it, as long as you dont lose that.

Iwas not prepared for that. Shed caught me worn out a the end of a very long day, and for an uncomfortably vulnerable second, showtime eluded me, leaving me to welter in thesincerity. I hate that. It took a moment and an active effort to relax my posture and control my expression, and then by the time I opened my mouth to produce a glib answer Zui was already speaking again.

And now youll make some inappropriate joke, because anythings better than admitting you feel anything but anger and smugness. Im not paid enough to deal with your bullshit, Seiji, thats Asters job. Good night, Junko. Night, Minifrit.

She turned, waving over one shoulder as she slipped out through the corridor toward the mess hall.

Gnight, Zui, I called after her, getting another wave, and then she was lost to view. For a second I listened to the soft footfalls vanishing up the hallway, and only then turned around.

Minifrit was smiling broadly at me, her eyes half-lidded and as self-satisfied as Id ever seen her.

What? I demanded, suddenly suspicious.

Her smile widened by a full centimeter, and she shrugged. Surprising, butI approve. You do have pretty good taste.

Oh, dont even start, you

Dont you start. She pointed the stem of her pipe at me. You are talking to an expert, Lord Seijias well as someone who has made it her personal business to mend that drawer full of loose prickleburrs and broken glass you call a heart. Just spare us both the indignity of flimsy denials. I have taken note of exactly how many women your eyes follow that way, and heres a hint: its exactly one.

Yeah, well, thats just Its only I held up both hands in front of my own chest in a cupping gesture, making squeezy motions with my fingers. Yknow?

Mine are bigger, she rejoined, still smirking. In absolute terms, if not proportional to height.

Sowhat? Youre telling me Im into shortstacks? Well, that is a revelation. Guess I owe Donon an apology.

Sneppit is prettier, by most any standard, Minifrit countered. She certainly works harder at it. Im serious, young man, you may as well quit wasting time deflecting. What are you so afraid of, anyway?

fuckin hell, Min, where do I start?

There is an overall pattern here, you know, she said in a gentler tone. Of all the people who either oppose you with everything they have or fawn over the earth you walk upon Zui is the one who makes you work the hardest to impress her, and then actually rewards that effort with genuine approval. I think that your type is women who challenge you. Trust me, Seiji, as someone who has seen every vice and predilection of men and personally catered to more of them than otherwise: you got the best one.

I found myself unable to cough up a glib answer to that. Instead, scowling in displeased contemplation, I just shuffled over to the table, pulled out a chair, and flopped down in it. Junko trotted over and leaned comfortingly against my leg, tail wagging.

She likes you too, yknow, Minifrit added, leaning her chin on one hand and smiling at me. And she is definitely going to be as prickly as you about it. At least. I am confident that pursuing the matter wouldnt be a waste of your time, but Ill caution you not to do all the work. You deserve to have someone impress you, too.

Slowly, I shook my head. Its not happening, Min. Seriouslynot on the table. Not with that one, at least. You know how Enjoin works.

Yes, I know. But

It isnt just that. I scrubbed a hand over my face, feeling suddenly too worn out for this conversation. I dont I do not have the free space in my head to deal with this. I just havent got the energy. Im juggling too many plates, I am not fucking doing the whole tortured romance bit right now.

Okay, she said quietly, still gazing at me with that gentle smile. Actually setting down her pipe for once, she reached over to brush an errant lock of hair away from my forehead. And that is a completely valid choice, if thats what youve decided. Its just that its important to actually decide, and not torture yourself trying to deny it or accidentally lead her on.

Thatshow it has to be for now.

Then so it shall be. Would you like company tonight?

I think I caught her hand in mine, pressing a kiss to her palm, and then gently setting it down on the table. I think tonight, what I need to do is just sleep. Tomorrows gonna be rough. Thanks, though, Min.

You are, as always, most welcome.