Thank You For Being Trash

Chapter 86.2 - What Sincerity (2)

Raphael was dead.

…and she felt no emotion at the Emperor's words.

“…The day I brought Rewan. I can't wait to see if you can say the same thing in front of me.”

“You can't do this. I love Rewan…”

Why can't I feel anything?

Her emotions surged, and her mind wandered to another thought. The Emperor's aides had held the belief that he was untouchable, immune to death. However, if Raphael could die, then it meant that Lepis could also meet the same fate.

Why was she thinking about Lepis now? She should be focused on Rewan.

No, no, if she simply obeyed Distria and followed the rules, would that ensure Lepis' safety?

Acacia, you see. A request to help Rewan…

…Stop.

Her train of thought was abruptly interrupted. It was as if she had been possessed for a brief moment.

How could she even consider such a thing? How could she ever contemplate giving up on Rewan?

She stared blankly at Lepis, feeling a shiver run down her spine at the mere thought of provoking Distria and creating a situation where someone's life could be extinguished at any moment.

The deep love in his purple eyes. A love that won't even die. It was creepy.

‘Don’t die. Please… don't die for something like me.'

The hand that holds, the hand that was held.

The weight of that hand is too heavy.

* * *

‘Today… are you being obedient because I let him die?’

— Yes. I will. But there’s one thing. Shouldn't the other guys be killed, too?

Fragmented thoughts floated through her tattered mind as if she were desperately avoiding any form of coherent thinking. She questioned how she had ended up in this state, but finding answers seemed impossible.

She felt trapped, unable to comprehend the source of her distress, her chest throbbing as if it were ready to burst.

Even when Acacia was claimed to be dead, her thoughts turned to Lepis.

It was as if her mind had descended into madness.

…Why did her chest ache? Why did her heart race with unease? The concealed truths constricted her entire being like chains, suffocating her breath.

When Acacia expressed his devotion, Lepis's presence lingered in her thoughts. She feared that he, too, would wait for her demise.

The day was fraught with confusion and complex emotions, yet she couldn't grasp the reason behind her constricted and pained heart. Each encounter with Lepis deepened her sense of bewilderment. He desired nothing from her, and yet she intentionally lashed out at him with hurtful words.

“I know that the reason you guard the front door and deliberately take the time to visit me is for me.”

“However, there's no way that would happen without a price.”

“…Eris.”

It was he who filled her longing for death, and it was he whom she loved.

“…Eris.”

“I love you. Arne. I… love you.”

‘But, I still have no feelings for you.’

She loved him, too.

Unutterable emotions, a heart on the verge of extinction, buried in the depths. He was both the one who made her live and the one who brought her demise.

It was a contradictory feeling.

Aware that confessing her love would cause him sorrow, she endured. She concealed it. It was a sentiment she would not allow to surface, even if it crumbled, shattered, turned to ashes, and burned.

Such was her love—a mute, innocent, and unsullied love.

“Lepis. I hate you. I can't forgive you, I won't even do it.”

Despite spewing out those venomous words, she feigned ignorance of the crumbling pain within her heart. Yet, it throbbed relentlessly. The situation was perplexing. She should harbor resentment towards the man who took Rewan's life, and yet she did not.

She loved Rewan, so why…

Her thoughts stumbled and faltered as if obstructed by an unseen barrier. Her vision blurred, and her mind spun in circles while meaningless thoughts raced through her.

From where did this desiccated emotion emerge?

“Your… Majesty. Ar…ne. I’m… so…sorry.”

Instead of demanding an apology from Rewan, her concern was directed towards Lepis, who may be observing from a distance.

‘Eris, what are you thinking right now?’

While pretending to gaze at Distria, her eyes involuntarily trailed after him.

Eris.

“What? What the hell do you want? What did I do wrong!”

She didn't know who to say it to.

Was it appropriate to express these words to someone who was born the wrong way and can't even confess her heart? How could she, a foolish person who stumbled upon love by chance, utter such things?

How could she speak when her actions led to a ruined ending?

“Why are you doing this?!”

She could proudly proclaim that she had lived a life more desolate than this. Still, she blamed herself because an even graver fate awaited her beyond this point. Was it truly her fault that she couldn't articulate her emotions and spent her life hitting a wall?

Was her existence truly ill-fated from the beginning?

Swallowed up by the suffocating grip of despair, she sank deeper into the boundless abyss, unsure of where the bottom or the end lay. Perhaps there was no end at all. Uncertainty shrouded her, leaving only vague thoughts.

The abyss posed its question.

Hey, Eris. If I had been a better person, would our end have been okay?

It was a love that she was afraid to even start. It was a question she was unqualified for.

It closed her eyes.

Darkness came and obscured her vision.

If I had a bright and decent personality enough to admit my mistakes, accept them, and accommodate all the depression, would we be okay?

At the end of the platform, she just stretched her body. The body falling to the floor felt like it was falling down more.

No. I wouldn't have been able to meet him. If I were a decent person from the start, I wouldn't have come here. Therefore, let's stop. He has his position, and I have mine.

What did she yearn to cease?

She surrendered her body to the outstretched hand of another, for she understood her place more intimately than anyone else.

A bottomless abyss.

A realm untouched by the emotions of others.

…Let's go to the bottom.

She harbored no desire to entangle more people in the quagmire of her existence.

“Don’t die. For something like me.”

The last words were scattered in the air.

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