There is no Epic Loot here, Only Puns.

Chapter 183: T-The Party

The shield enchantment shattered with the sound of tinkling glass. The man went flying back, sending sand flying as he was sent rolling across the arena.

In the same swipe, the Goblin Rider sent the sneaking assassin woman back with a harsh blow that somehow missed all of her vitals.

"This can't be…" the trembling mage raised his staff, and a pathetic puff of smoke and ember gathered due to his inability to focus. The creature was a near perfect match for them.

Someone yelled, swinging a massive battle ax around as he pulsed with a bloody aura. The Goblin merely leaned back, catching the ax blade with one powerful hand before heaving. The man was lifted into the air, and the pig… no, the monstrous boar the goblin rode on turned and kicked like a horse, sending the man so far back he hit the walls.

It was a miracle he didn't explode into a meaty mist; it was a miracle none of them were dead.

"Is this the might of your group? Where is the synergy? Where is the thirst for success? WHERE IS THE REVEL?!" the Goblin boss thundered, and the boar slammed down, creating a shockwave that sent the rest of the party reeling.

"Is this all you have to offer?" the creature spoke as the mage fell to his knees, his once proud fire magic now useless in his terror.

"If so. Then you are not worthy," the powerful lance settled on the shoulder of the mage as crimson eyes stared down at him from high up.

"You are not worthy."

Then the last thing he heard before a blow knocked him out was

"You shall not pass." lingering in his ears.

---

"You want to do what?" Mila asked the snot-nosed kid of Pic's.

"I want to purchase the license to open the local adventuring guild in Durence," Grim said without shame.

"You're twelve," Mila said bluntly as she downed a coffee that was more black than her soul.

"Sixteen, I can legally do it," Grim corrected.

"You're poor," she added.

"I've saved up all my pocket money since I was born. I was planning on using it to purchase a rare mythical weapon that would destroy my enemies and make their gender-neutral others weep," Grim countered, crossing his arms with a glare.

"That's a good dream, but you sure you wanna waste it all on running a-" Mila grimaced as if she was saying something vulgar, "-an 'adventurer's guild' of all things?" she asked

"I wasn't until I saw how gullible adventurers actually are," Grim admitted as Mila moved around her home to find a bottle of whiskey she hadn't drunk dry yet.

Mila paused as a memory came to her. It was an… untainted memory so she relished it as it flowed back to her.

'Hah! Little Mila's and Pics! I'll set aside some birthday gifts! I sold one of my mother's old cursed ear-rings. People will buy anything. How about ten thousand gold per child. Uncle Durence is going to be the favorite!'

He never got to be that uncle, but Mila could remedy that just a little.

"Fine, the guild is yours, but keep your money. It has young people stench all over it, and you're particularly hormonal," Mila said with a glare. Grim narrowed his eyes.

"I don't trust charity from you. You once stole all my birthday cake because you said 'the weak shall starve,'" Grim said, and Mila didn't remember that event since she was sure she did that to all children on their birthday.

It was an honored tradition from her island.

"You won't be happy when you see the paperwork," Mila warned and then kicked the kid out. Durence's gift was rejected by Ruli when she was young. The girl could get hell rubies and blood gold from her father if she wanted.

No, Ruli didn't like being handed her treasure.

Mila wasn't holding her breath for grandkids until Ruli was done tormenting every man she came across. Grim could have the gold or the purchase of the guild.

---

Grim had wondered where he could set up this guild after the permit for the thing arrived at his door less than an hour later.

Guildmaster Grim.

It had a nice ring to it!

All those fools would have to bow to him!

Peering at the permit, the guildhall had to be located between the Dungeon and the local town, had to be accessible, open to all, and run with the intent to help adventurers.

It didn't say Grim had to be welcoming, friendly, or not making gold by the minute as he operated.

Mila had even accidently signed a few permission bonuses for Grim.

"I can reject certain quests, limit adventures, I don't need to feed or house anyone, and I can construct one next to the Dungeon if I wanted," Grim hummed, and then his face turned serious.

"I don't know how to build things," he admitted.

He remembered something about a builder in town. He peered down the streets of Durence.

"Paige Turner's bookstore. Weathered Wax's candle store. Reel Beauty's fishmonger… aha!" Grim's eyes paused on a small dinky corner store.

"Nomad No-Mad Easy Construction!" Grim said with satisfaction. He even knew who ran the place.

He opened the door, and the smell of distant grassy plains and herd animals seemed to assault him. A giant man rested behind the counter as he carefully read textbooks that Grim was pretty sure were the same ones he was assigned as homework.

"Deo's father! I've come to bargain!" he thundered.

The man blinked and smiled.

Damn it, that damn smile!

Grim couldn't escape that smile! The bloodline was haunting him!

"I need a grand hall near the Dungeon, and I won't be moved or convinced otherwise," he said, and the man took out a pair of comically small spectacles and peered at his completely empty calendar aside from every date being filled in with things like 'admire Isanella' or 'Read Deo a story' or even 'tonight is pie night.'

"…Three floors or five?" the man asked softly, and Grim's bones vibrated and his blood rushed as he felt the sudden urge to punch something in a glorious battle.

"I don't feel like climbing stairs," Grim declined, he was a very particular sort, and he knew what he wanted long term.

Climbing stairs every five minutes wasn't one of them.

"I can install elevators," the man offered.

"Oh well, the more floors, the better then," Grim said brightly.

"Being Deo's friend… I'll have it done by tomorrow," the man nodded.

"We're not friends. I just use him as a disposable minion. Don't want you to get the wrong idea," Grim said quickly. He was greedy, not a villain.

"Deo doesn't befriend those of dark souls and intentions. Your words may shield your heart from the threat of being hurt, but they can't hide your bond," the man said kindly, and Grim puffed up like a pissed-off cat.

"We do not have a bond!" he protested. Who did this guy think he was? Some spiritual master of bonds?

"The heart sees, even if the eyes do not," the man said with satisfaction. Grim was about to explode when Deo entered the shop.

"Grim! I found you! Mr Jones set us homework, and I used mine as a fortune telling origami! But it flew off in a breeze! Can I look at yours so I can copy the questions? Not the answers!" Deo said quickly, looking both excited and nervous.

Grim shoved his bag at him.

"I already made a second copy. I saw your stupid fortune thing before I left school. You're an idiot," Grim said with a glare.

Deo's eyes lit up.

"Want to hear what my fortune said?" he asked, and Grim stared at him.

"Un-fortunate-ly, you're going to tell me no matter what I say," Grim said before he cursed his tongue.

Stupid curse!

Unseen, Deo's father reached for a key and began pulling out rare materials from the storeroom.

---

Nu didn't have much joy in life, but watching people suffer was one of them.

If he could make a recording of the best moments, he would have more than enough material for five different hour long videos.

An adventurer jumped in the mudroom, only to be pushed off by the extending poles in the wall and land upside down in the breathable mud. He had to be fished out by the goblins.

Some fool had gone so deep into defensive skills and magic that he presumed himself untouchable. Muffet tied him up and left him in a corner until someone could peel him free of his armor.

Two unlucky idiots had managed to get into Maestro's secret passage, believing they had found the golden road around the grove and pub, only to return and quit adventuring the next day if their mutterings were to be believed.

Maestro was welcoming, but his appearance and mind bending room had an effect on the feeble of mind.

There was a new 'odd' group however.

Boisterous and loud, they looked like they had gone out one day to drink and just didn't stop. They weren't armed and obeyed the rules so well that they were allowed to make it all the way to Fera's bar, but they didn't want to move on.

'The Heroes of Ale' had come for the drinks.

Fera, for the first time, had serious customers, and she was pushed to her limits as a bartender. One of the drinkers ordered a Delta Surprise, growing a beard so magnificent that he wept. Nu overheard he was a 'whisker baby' beforehand.

That was when they saw the Zodiac Bottles and pleaded to know more.

"You gotta beat the fourth floor to taste these," she said rudely, and in doing so, ignited a fire in the group Nu had never seen before.

What happened next was as confusing as it was terrifying. They paid Fera for bar stools, rushed into the boss room, and pushed Fran to a draw for a time with battle cries and promises of the 'Forbidden Juice' of the fourth floor.

To Nu's shock, they beat Fran, their teamwork impeccable.

In response, Fran smiled and faded away, leaving behind a boar helmet, two drinking horns, and some coins.

The drinking horns were held up with near worship as the group of people cheered.

"TO SIR FRAN! MAY HE DRINK WITH US FOREVER MORE!" they half-slurred, half-cheered.

---

Wyin paused as she felt her Sir Fran's joy as he faded in battle.

On one hand, they had defeated her beloved knight so Wyin would have to flay them alive.

On the other hand, Fran was happy so she wouldn't use salt on their exposed flesh when she was done.

It was a fair compromise.

---

The Heroes of Ale took to the jungle like an invasive species.

Delta watched as they chased the Pygmy Mushrooms, declaring them adorable. A few of them split off to check out the waterfall, and when Bob emerged, they held their hands up, wriggling in drunkenness.

"WORM FRIEND! DRINK WITH US! WATER IS ACCEPTABLE! WE RESPECT SOBRIETY IF YOU RESPECT OUR NOT SOBRIETY!" a woman hollered as she wore a special helmet she crafted to fit Fran's drinking horns into empty slots with what looked like some sort of plant-like fiber tube leading to her mouth.

"They scare me, but I like them. It's like being invaded by a benevolent frat party," Delta said, staring at the chaos.

"Key!" someone yelled as Bob dropped the key in his excitement to 'dance' with the strange people. His two crab friends were passing what looked like a thimble of whiskey!

"Hey! No drinking! You're not of age!" Delta said and ran over.

The crab ran away from her, still drinking!

She was alerted as the bridge guarded by Giant was being rocked as a group on it was thundering and making it rock to a drinking song. Giant was joining in shyly!

"WE DRINK DAY AND NIGHT! IN THE DARK AND IN THE LIGHT! WE ARE THE HEROES OF ALE! BEFORE US, ALL ENEMIES PALE!" they 'sang' messily.

The key Giant was guarding was tossed into one of the people's hands, who put it on their earring like a cool souvenir.

That was when Rale appeared with a box of near cold stone he'd fished from the bottom of the river.

"I heard there was a request for joy and a place to keep drinks cool?" he called, and in response, he got a thunderous cheer. Bottles purchased from Fera were stocked inside, and Rale was absorbed by the party.

Delta was busy chasing down bees who were flying in lazy circles and into each other as a bottle of spirits was spilled over flowers, causing their pollen to become… intoxicating.

---

"Sweet nectar!" A crafter of the Heroes of Ale cried as pools of gleaming honey spread before them. A lot of the bees were on the ground, passing a flower that was dripping in booze. High in the tower, Queen Lizzie stared down at her kingdom and sipped a rare cocktail that Fera brought her personally.

The queen called it 'Off with their Heads.' It was made from rare flowers that Luna cultivated in the secret garden on this floor. It had over a dozen types and would normally cost a lot…

But Fera seemed to be in a good mood.

She looked around, to ensure she was alone and pulled out a commissioned piece of artwork of that human.

The one who talked as smooth as his skin was.

'Seth.'

The heart stealer.

Lizzie hugged the picture and drained her drink.

Below, the crafter was quickly at work, turning a dozen honey meads into a single bottle that began to shine a rainbow hue.

"It's a high-ranked drink! Never tasted before!" they slurred.

"Yes! Let's take this bottle and appreciate it! ANYONE WANTING THEIR OWN BOTTLE BETTER HAVE CASH!" someone yelled as they got ready to move on.

"CAN'T WE JUST BORROW SOME?" someone yelled back.

"RESPECT THE LOCAL COMMUNITY! MINUS TWO BRO POINTS!" the first said, and the second clutched his heart.

---

The Pygmies were conflicted.

"But I just love you guys! You're so small, and I just wanna say how much I love you all," a muscular man said with a sniffle as he hugged what seemed to be poison in a bottle.

He had fallen into their home and just started proclaiming love. Normally, a sacrifice of hair and more would occur, but they weren't sure if they wanted to offer this 'particular' mortal to the Great Mother.

"You're just so small and doing your best," the man went on, tearing up.

Mortals could leak?!

"Give him the key, and he'll go away!" the elder hissed. The three great Pygmies were at a loss as the man didn't enter the labyrinth, and thus they couldn't test him.

"Isn't that disrespecting tradition?" a Pygmy asked in a puff of spores.

"He's leaking salt water on us. He is dangerous!" the elder replied quickly.

The Alchemist sampled the poison, as was its nature.

"Sweet but different," it mused and dunked its whole head in.

---

Delta could take comfort in one thing.

The undead couldn't get drunk. The booze literally went down the bottom of their stomach.

That was what she had hoped, however. These 'Heroes' had a scary ability.

The Circus of the Damned was alive with music, partying, and stunts because they had inflicted the skeletons and undead animals with… vibes. The sheer mood they brought seemed to lift even Renny's ghoulish pallor. In the mess, a golden piece of popcorn was taken and added to a mixture of beers.

The entire thing flashed golden when it was done, and Delta stared as people hugged each other.

"I love you!"

"Nah, bro, I love you!"

Others were just grinning.

"Remember when we met?" one nudged another, who laughed. The skeletons took some of their legs off, and people began to conga line under the merged bone pole.

Delta stared until Renny held out a hand; he seemed to be grinning at her.

'Isn't this wonderful?' he seemed to ask. Delta tried to be stern about all the alcohol for a moment.

She sagged and took his offered hand.

Delta laughed as she was pulled into the line of conga goers.

"So if you like the beat, take a lesson from Cuban Pete! And I'll teach you to chick-chicky-boom, chick-chicky-boom." she sang along as the circus became a party of unchained joy and music.

In the corner, Mharia barfed up a mixture of necrotic green energy and golden sparkles as she held an alcopop mix drink in one hand.

She stood up and glared at the full bottle.

"I will defeat you and drain your content like a soul," she swore and took another swig. Three seconds later, she bent over and barfed.

---

Wyin was wondering what was going on outside as her gates opened. She had just readied her speech about pain and deliverance when she froze. Dozens of topless people were filtering in with a cheer. Some had bees glued to their body while others were covered in honey. Others had drinking horns filled with tree sap and with crunchy yellow leafs in the other.

"What is this tomfoolery?!" she demanded as someone brought in Wilhelm covered in glittering lights and with the words 'Party Monkey' painted on his chest.

"Behave yourselves! This is a place of worship!" she demanded.

"SLAM A SHOT FOR THE GODDESS!" someone cried and everyone drank.

Wyin got a tiny boost of power, and she glared at them.

"Don't you dare taint my divinity with your boorish behavior!" she threatened the party.

"KEG BARREL STANDS FOR THE TREE GODDESS!" Delta screamed, blushing red as she swung a drink around.

"IT'S FUN TO WORSHIP AT THE W! Y! I! N!" Luna danced between Rale and Giant, dragging Devina into the mess, who was flustered as Rale grinned at her.

"I refuse! I am not a goddess of booze drunkards! I am a goddess of life and pain!" Wyin tried to yell over the music.

A few seconds later…

"STOP HITTING EACH OTHER ON THE ASSES!"

Wyin turned to Delta, glaring.

"Gotta make a move to a town that's right for me! Town to keep me movin'! Keep me groovin' with some energy" Delta shot her finger guns as she was lost in the throng of party people.

Wyin was about to blow a gasket.

All she wanted was some tortured souls and to curl up with her murder mysteries at bed time! Wyin was afraid what they might do with her rewards if she let them pass…

They might tell others she was a goddess of revelry and booze. Her image would be ruined.

Alcohol was only fun when she could mock others for their hangovers! Wyin glared, and someone offered her a drinking horn.

"Why would I want such a disgust-" she froze as she recognized the horns finally.

Sir Fran's treasures! She snatched the horn and drained the fluids within.

It was masculine and tasted of burned oil. Just like her knight! A pleasant warmth and cloud of pink covered her memories from that point onwards. Wyin would later wake up, covered in honey and with three naked people in her branches.

The party had moved on without her.